soooooo let’s get into it
The first week I got to my parent’s house, I received a text that read ” Can we see each other and talk? I’m out of prison”. ( I’m not going to lie, I thought long and hard about what to say back). I really was curious to catch up in person about things versus over the phone through text. So I agreed to go see him. ( Don’t make that face at me y’all. Don’t judge me).
On the way to his house I had so many thoughts going through my head. I wondered if he still looks the same or better, Also thinking about my boyfriend knowing I should not be going to see James, I’m also nervous about what he will think about me when he sees me. I had so many emotions going on.
I pull up to his house and he is waiting outside for me. I get out the car and he reaches for a hug. I hug him back ( it was a friend hug, nothing more or less). So we’re sitting down under a tent in his yard just chatting it up about things we missed in each other’s lives. We’re laughing and having a good time, but then his mom and sister come out of the house and said they were going to go run errands and they would be back. That left me and James home alone with each other. We still were under the tent outside when they left but it started getting hot outside so I suggest we go sit in my car for awhile with the a/c on so I can cool off. ( I was not going inside his house). We sit in the car and talk. He then leans in a little close to me and I’m telling him that I’m with someone. He backs off ( as if he didn’t already know after I’ve told him multiple times through text). The radio was just playing after that and no words were being said after that moment. It got awkward to me so I made up an excuse to leave him and go back to my parent’s house.
I left to go back to my parent’s house. When I got in, I called my boyfriend to try and talk to him since he had been acting as if he didn’t want me around since I left. Surprisingly, he answers the phone but with a dry, unemotional tone. So I ask him what’s wrong? He says nothing. *PAUSE* Ladies…We all know our men. I clearly could tell something was wrong but he just was not trying to talk. *RESUME*. It got to the point where it felt like I was the only one trying to hold a conversation and he was just replying to me. So I hung up and let him be to himself. I sat there on the bed crying my eyes out. It felt like no matter how hard I tried to make the relationship work, he wasn’t interested anymore. It hurt even more that someone from my past wanted my attention that I’m not giving because I love my boyfriend and didn’t want to lose him over a temporary feeling. ( nothing hurts more than getting attention from others that you DON’T CRAVE, but the one person’s attention you want is not giving it to you).
After almost two months of trying to repair my relationship with my boyfriend, I broke things off with him and moved back home with my parents until I got my own place. At this time, I felt like I had messed up things. It was me being distracted from a fling of the past that caused me to neglect my current relationship. This in turn, pushed my boyfriend away when he started feeling neglected. ( When you constantly ignore or put someone on the back burner, you are teaching them to be okay without you).
I took this time to just focus on myself. I worked out more, got my hair cut ( it’s over when a woman cuts her hair lol). I went out with my girls more,etc. Half of me enjoyed the single life again but then I still missed my boyfriend. Day by day it started getting easier to deal with. I never told James I moved back home because I was not trying to jump into anything with him just because I was single again. I needed that time to myself and to heal and learn lessons.
James eventually found out about me moving back home probably four months after I had already got settled in. He wanted to talk in person again. So I go see him and I tell him everything that went down with me and my boyfriend. He apologized ( not that I bought it). After this conversation, me and James grew a lot more closer and we ended up spending everyday together just hanging out. This is someone who knows everything about me and vice versa. So there was a lot of chemistry between us.
A couple months after spending so much time together James and I made things official. We began dating. But then things changed, I got a job offer from the previous state I had just moved from. I was so excited about the offer. I took the offer and just made plans to see James every weekend when I wasn’t working. Shortly after getting settled back in once again from moving, I hopped back in school and everything seemed to be looking up for me.
I took a weekend off from work to go back home to visit James and my family ( they only lived 1hr and 30 min away from me). I spent time with my family first and then I went to go see James later that evening since my family had to be up the next morning for work and school. I spent the night over at his house and he kept talking about us having a baby…*PAUSE* I love children but not too long ago I was in a relationship with someone else and now I’m not to far in one with him yet to be talking about this* RESUME*. I began getting a little freaked out because of the speediness of him wanting this. I also like my freedom and believe there’s a time and place for everything. That was just not the time. ( Before he went away to prison, he kept saying how we were going to have a family one day). I never payed it any attention because I’m looking to be a WIFE first.
( FAST FORWARD A YEAR LATER INTO THE RELATIONSHIP)
Since I’m now working a demanding job and in school, things between me and James started getting a little shaky because he felt like I didn’t have time for him anymore. He just wasn’t as busy as I was so I could understand why he felt that way. He had no job and basically wasn’t doing anything with his life. I was doing pretty well for myself on my own and I refused to let anyone I date come between the life I have and the life I’m trying to build for myself. So it always ended up in arguments with each other about me being busy, when really he was just unproductive with his life.
I could no longer come home when I wanted to due to my school schedule. I had to come home when I had a break from school. I would be late on texting him back due to not always having my phone in my hand or I’m just not near it. He would then call me sometimes. I would pick up but I did not talk for long ( 20 min at the most) then I had to hang up. ( I’m more of a texter when I’m busy, because I need to give my full attention to what I’m doing. Texting gives me the room to still have conversation and not neglect the person I’m talking to but still being productive on my end).
Things like this led to many breakups and make ups with each other. One day in particular when we made up, I had came down to visit him and I was sitting in my car in his yard watching him play with his niece and nephew. He was picking them up and chasing after them ( it was so cute). I started thinking about how life would be with a child together. My ex friend became pregnant and I started being around her almost daily so baby fever really started to grow on me.
One day me and James were sitting in my car and I brought up the topic of a baby. I told him that I would consider having one but only if he got a job and was actually serious about wanting this. He showed me he was serious. He got a job and became very into us having a baby. I was super excited to see him as a dad even though it went against what I wanted first which is to be a wife. Realizing that you can’t plan for life. Life just happens.
The weekend came to an end and I had to go back to work and school. I was so sad. I missed him a lot. We just made up and we were talking about babies and everything after almost a year of convincing me to have one and then again before he went to prison. So it took a lot for me to finally come around to this idea. Like I said earlier, I worked a very demanding job (12 hour shifts) four days a week. I was doing this and then going to school, putting in long hours studying, sometimes on the days when I had to work. I just never really had a break to myself. One day I was at work and started feeling weak ( I have low iron) . I went to my locker and took an iron pill and got a quick snack and got back to work. I waited for an hour. I still was not feeling good. My manager suggested I clock out and go home. I did and I just could not handle it when I got home. I started vomiting, feeling light- headed, etc. I took a shower and went straight to sleep.
The next day, I called off from work which is unlike me. My manager understood and I called my mom to talk to her. My mom as always if I’m not feeling good was like “ You aren’t pregnant are you”? I’m like ” No, for the thousandth time”. I talk to her and then James calls. I talk to him for awhile and then I start to become sleepy. I hang up and I go straight to sleep. The sleeping happened so much that James was like ” Baby, you might be pregnant”. I quickly dismiss that. I explain to him that it’s probably just because I haven’t given myself time to rest and I have low iron. I was always on the go. I hardly ever rested or took time for myself.
Me being sick and weak continued for almost a week and then…..I missed my period!!!!!! Even though I knew I wanted to have a child with him, the thought of a possibility of one in that present time was nerve wracking. I waited for another week before I took a pregnancy test. My ex friend went with me to the store to go get a pregnancy test. She seemed like she was more excited and over the top than I was. We get the test and come home and I go straight tot he bathroom to take it. I’m pacing back and forth for the results to come in. I’m so scared to look at the test so I ask her to look, but then I suddenly change my mind and I’m like ” No, I want to look”. Then I switch again and let her look for me. She gets the test and gives me this look like i have a surprise or something….I did…I was pregnant.
She is suddenly hugging me and stating how she can’t wait to be an aunt. I was over the top so excited. I waited until the weekend came to go back home to visit James to tell him the news. I did not want to tell him this over the phone because I wanted to see his reaction, as this was something he desperately wanted together.
I get to James house. We’re sitting down talking and I’m like ” I have something to tell you”.He asks what? So I pull out the pregnancy test ( Yes y’all, I carried the pregnancy test with me) and he was excited, not as excited as I thought he would be, but he was excited. He hugs me and he tells his family and friends the news. I then went to my parent’s house to tell my family and friends as well. Everybody was excited.
A week and a half went by and we were still excited about it. I got a doctor there so that James could come with me to all my appointments and we were discussing him looking for a job where I lived at so he could move in with me. There were a lot of life changes going on.
The week after that I went back to visit him. I made a stop at my parent’s house first. I texted James to let him know that I just made it to town and wanted to see him. I don’t get a reply back. So I called him and I get no answer. I get online on messenger to see if he is or was online. He hasn’t been online. I’m thinking something is wrong with him. So I called his brother to see if he was okay. His brother informs me that James is okay and that James was at home. Confused as to why he didn’t text me back, I drive to his house to see him. I knock on the door but nobody is answering. I know there’s someone home because I heard people inside.
A day later after blowing his phone up I get a text that read ” Out of respect for my girlfriend, please don’t text my phone anymore”. It suddenly felt like I had got hit by a bus…..
I just want to say thank you all so much for your contentious love and support. It means soooo much to me and I love each and every one of you. Part 3 (final) will be coming soon……❤ STAY SELFISH